I was the same age or maybe a little older than Rihanna when the guy I was dating dragged me out of his car and across a grassy intramural football field on the campus where I was a student. He and I had gotten into an argument and he wanted me out of his car. He had more important things to do, and I was holding him up with my conversation. He needed to get to the intramural football game. So he jumped out of the car, ran around to my side and snatched me out, then dragged me some distance as I struggled to free myself and onlookers no doubt wondered what to make of the scene.
I don't remember all the details of that incident, only picking myself up from the ground and walking across the campus that night, returning to my dorm and trying to sneak into my room so my sorority sisters and friends did not see the disheveled mess I had become. My hair was all over my head. Grass stains covered my torn shirt. Bruises decorated my upper arm.
The boyfriend and I stayed together.
Domestic abuse is a hot topic these days, as the country buzzes with news and speculation surrounding the alleged abuse Chris Brown inflicted on Rihanna last month when it was reported that he beat and choked her. The fact that they are said to be back together has heightened attention to the case.
I believe the attention to the case can shed some light on domestic violence, and hopefully more people will be educated about it. I believe no one should be in an abusive relationship. And I believe that just because it's the first time we hear of abuse in a particular relationship does not mean it's the first time it has happened. Nor, unfortunately, will it be the last. And that's why we must continue to bring attention to domestic violence.
Because too many people tolerate abuse.
I understand the reasons women stay. Sometimes the women are afraid of what the guys will do to them if they leave. Sometimes the women are hopeful things will change with the men. Sometimes the women remember the good, old days or are swayed by tearful apologies and promises. Sometimes the women blame themselves for the violence. Sometimes, the women feel they have no other options. Sometimes the women think they have no financial resoures without the men. Sometimes ...
The point here is that women stay in abusive situations for many reasons, none of them good. I could tell myself that my boyfriend wasn't wild and angry most of the time, in fact, he was a nice guy. And it wasn't an abusive relationship; it was just an incident that got out of hand. After all, he apologized. And besides, I cared for him. Oh, and maybe if I hadn't said some of the things I said, he wouldn't have had to get so violent. Yes, there are many reasons people stay.
And unfortunately, we've seen the tragic examples of what can happen. Women end up broken, maimed, dead.
They stay because, at some level, they have lost control of their lives. But there is hope. The way to reach a woman who has decided to stay in an abusive situation is to get to her on an emotional level. She has to feel the hope. She has to see that she is worth more than that. That she has it in her to overcome whatever is keeping her there. And that she is the solution to her own situation, and that solution is to make the choice to leave. She has to see that things will get better when she takes charge of her life again. If she doesn't believe the assurances at first, keep at it. Keep feeding her with encouragement, support, love and help. Her life depends on it.
My boyfriend and I eventually broke up and while I'm happy to say I'm a different woman today who knows her worth and sees why a situation like that should never be tolerated, I also understand why it is. People who have not been there don't understand an abused person's motivations for staying. They think it's a simple matter of making a swift exit. And it should be.
But statistics tell us, it isn't. One in four women suffers physical abuse or rape by an intimate partner each year, according to statistics. I personally think that number is higher because not all women report the assaults. And many of those women stay, hoping the violence won't happen again, but knowing somewhere deep inside that it will.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24/7 support for people in abusive situations. There are local organizations in many communities that also can help. Many groups out there try to help an abused person get away. Resources are there.
But the person has first got to decide to get out.
And that can be the toughest part.
Comments for this post
Posts
