Free yourself from 'have-to' and focus on 'choose-to'

Do you ever feel as if you're stuck doing the same things over and over, things you feel you have to do? If you've ever said, "I have to do this," or "I have to do that," you'll want to check out the latest Knowledge Wealth Series newsletter. In it, I share why it's important to shift your thinking from "have to" to "choose to." If you want to take charge of your life, this is an essential mental shift.

Why? Because when we are constantly talking about what we have to do, it makes us feel like victims or prisoners of our circumstances. And nobody wants to feel that way. But when we begin to see everything we do as a choice, then we get a bit of pep in our step as we feel empowered to make choices that benefit us.

As a personal development author, I am often looking for ways we can make our lives better and get more enjoyment or improve our results. This is one mind shift we can make and begin to manifest positive changes in our lives, simply by realizing we can take charge.

Try this: The next time you are tempted to say "I have to do XYZ," stop and ask yourself, "Really? Do I really have to do this?" What would happen if you didn't do that thing? You might find the consequence of not doing it could be minor or you may find the consequence could be pretty big. But regardless, you'll likely find that you don't really have to do that thing. But because you prefer not to live with the consequences, you choose to do the thing.

Big difference between thinking in terms of have to and choose to.

So check out this month's Knowledge Wealth Series newsletter, and learn more about shifting your thinking from the negative have-to equation to the choose-to option. And you'll also get other great information, including learning how to be a part of my next book and getting information about my latest e-book, Turn Your Book into a Business, so you can learn to write your own book and earn more money from it.

Dumped, fired and evicted. What would you do?

I struck up a friendship with a man I met in 2005 at a speakers' conference. We chatted at the event, and afterward, he began calling to tell me about his attempts to jump-start his speaking career. Of course, as is the case when a friendship develops, the conversation covers things other than business. He told me about his new romance, his job search, his plans to move out of his mom's house and into his own place. Then came news that the girlfriend had kicked him to the curb, he had been fired from the job, the apartment manager had evicted him.

Tough breaks, all.

All while he was trying to build this dynamic speaking career, spreading hope and enlightenment to others.

Unfortunately, that's what often happens on the way to our dreams, or as we're building our lives. It's never a smooth process, where one day we dream and the next day we reach the mountaintop. Instead, we're most likely going to have many good days mixed with a bunch of not great days. If you're like my speaker friend, you may even feel as if everything is coming down on you and your very hope may be threatened.

Through all of this with my friend, I tried to encourage him to keep pressing forward. Not everything I said was what he wanted to hear -- I had to tell him when I thought he was doing something dumb, when I thought he should "man up," even when I thought he was wimping out. But I also told him when I thought he was doing well and when I had ideas that could help him.

And things are working out for him now. After years of seeming to get nowhere with his speaking career, he has called me several times in recent weeks to share news of new speaking gigs he has lined up or is in the process of lining up. In the midst of experiencing these setbacks, he has found a new sense of self and a confidence that can come across in his speaking. Now, he can talk about real-life experiences and touch lives in a way he could not earlier, because he will speak from a place of knowing and overcoming the everyday challenges, and still holding onto that drive.

I'm excited for him! It's been a very long journey. He could have given up anywhere along the way, and most probably would have expected him to do so. At times he had to take smaller steps than he wanted -- accept smaller speaking gigs than he really wanted, take on non-speaking jobs to have money to support his speaking business, etc. -- just to hang in there. It wasn't the glamorous life he envisioned when he started, but he realized he had to go through the tough times to get to the stuff his dreams were made of.

The reason I share this story is to remind you that your journey to the life you dream of having will be a bumpy one, but if you just hang in there, you will get there. And you may find that the tough times (as unwelcome as they are) make you richer; your journey may actually be a tool you can use to touch others in a way you never even imagined.

It's easy to feel discouraged -- or even to feel like a fraud when it seems that you should be further along than you are -- but those are just momentary setbacks. Stay the course. Sometimes you have to take smaller steps just to stay on track. If a smaller step will help you keep moving forward, then take that smaller step. Then when you've gotten your bearings again and are in better shape, take the bigger steps you prefer.

Most see setbacks and rather than taking a detour -- or smaller steps -- they just sit down on the roadside of life and give up altogether. They settle. They settle for relationships that don't fulfill them. They settle for careers that bug them. They settle for lives that are not even a fraction of all they dream. All because of a few tough days.

Whether it's the economy that's gotten you sitting on the roadside of life or your weight issue or a relationship disappointment or any number of other things, now is the time to regroup. Take one step to get back on the journey. Even if that one step is a small one. Just put one foot in front of the other.

And gradually, you'll get closer to where you want to be.

Six tips to overcoming setbacks:
1. Acknowledge the hurt. Disappointment stings.
2. Consider why the problem arose. Looking for answers now will help you avoid repeating the mistake in the future.
3. Have a gut-check moment. Ask yourself if you're ready to move forward. Be honest.
4. Pick a new goal. Find something new to work toward. It can be a revision of the goal that failed, or it can be something altogether new. Just choose something that excites you.
5. Create a plan. Figure out how you will approach this new goal. Enlist the help of others, if you need it. (Even emotional support, such as what I gave my speaker friend, counts.)
6. Get to moving! Nothing pushes aside negative feelings (and the tendency to wallow in self-pity) faster than action.

Speak up for yourself and get things done

In business, we are taught that the customer is always right. I remember in my first job at McDonald's -- a job I absolutely loved -- my manager used to say that. And so I believed it. If the customer wanted something, the customer got it.

But sometimes, the customer is not right. And in those instances, you have to make the situation right -- by standing up for yourself. I recall an incident some time ago when a client kept insisting on changes to drag out a project. It seemed as if no matter what happened, we could not complete it. I wondered if the client was looking to create delays to postpone payment.

After quite a long time of working to accommodate every request, I finally had to stand up. At the risk of losing the client or offending him, I had to address the situation. I had to realize the customer was not always right. And so I told the client that things would be different. We would not do another thing he asked until we were paid. And we wanted to be paid now. The customer grumbled, but he knew I was right. I calmly outlined all of the additional work we had done to meet his needs and how some of his requests were simply non-issues. I explained how this project was long overdue, as was payment. At the end of the discussion, the client had no arguments left, as he and I both knew I was right and he had been creating imaginary problems to delay the project.

The next morning, we had our money. And we were able to wrap up the project very shortly afterward -- to the client's praise! He raved about our work, which was a far cry from what he had said when he was stalling.

So while it's good to believe the customer is always right and to work to meet all reasonable requests, never lose sight of what you are working to accomplish. And never lose sight of the fact that sometimes you must assert yourself so you make the situation right.

If you allow others -- clients, mates, friends, family members -- to run over you and take advantage, you will find yourself in a bad position. This will affect how you feel about yourself and how you interact with the world. What's more, it will compromise the quality of work you are able to produce. So don't be afraid to show what you're made of -- you might just get more respect when you do.

Take charge of your life when you take charge of your circumstances -- at work and at home.